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Why it feels scary to communicate needs

If we have a history of not getting our relational needs met, unfortunately we might establish a poor relationship with them.

This is why so many of us don't know our needs or have great difficulty communicating them effectively.

When we become emotionally connected or attached to someone, we feel as though there is a greater risk at stake, and therefore we have more to lose. We fear that by expressing our needs, we will appear either:

"too needy"

"too controlling"

"too annoying"

"too vulnerable"

"too much"

And as a result, we might push those we love away.

The thought of being rejected, dismissed, or abandoned activates our fight, flight, or freeze response. This makes it difficult to communicate assertively.

This threat response might cause us to become aggressive, passive, or withdrawn. Which reinforces our negative association we have with meeting our needs.

Steps to begin reframing your relationship to needs from “unsafe” to “safe”...

1. Start by identifying your needs. Think about what you value most in a relationship. Consider your love language(s). These are things that make you feel truly loved, fulfilled, safe and secure. Without them, there's no point in being in a relationship.

2. When considering communicating your needs, challenge your fears when they arise. Ask yourself, “Is this fear true or is it insecurity?”

3. Practice communicating your needs in the form of “I feel ____, because of _____. I need ______.” This language is less threatening and it gives your partner an opportunity (and strategy) to meet your need.

A lot of this work comes from building your self-esteem levels. To help recognise and build your confidence and self-esteem levels. Click the link below to learn more about how I can help.

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